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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23814295">what happens when the music stops?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostin_space/pseuds/lostin_space'>lostin_space</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Communication, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Mentions of Miluca, Post 2X06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:20:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,703</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23814295</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostin_space/pseuds/lostin_space</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex and Michael talk about that night and what it means for them as people and for their future.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Michael Guerin/Alex Manes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>112</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>what happens when the music stops?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>these are just my thoughts, if i missed any tags let me know!</p><p>title: the role of a lifetime - bare: a pop opera</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You know what the worst part about it is?”</p><p>Michael watched as Alex tilted back another shot. It was his eighth or ninth, but Michael didn’t dare stop him. He felt guilty and shitty and a little bit gross, so if his job for the night was making sure Alex made it home safe, well, he could do that.</p><p>“What?” he asked, hesitant but open enough to hear the answer. That’s what he was here for. Alex had drunkenly called him after a few beers, letting him know he wanted to talk. And, well, considering it’d been weeks since he’d seen him, he may have selfishly wanted to hear his voice too.</p><p>“My memories of touching you are fuckin’ fucked, man,” Alex said, laughing a little as he shook his head, “I used to, like, get off to remembering being with you. Or when I was freaking out, losing my damn mind, my safe place was your bed, you know? Fuck, I don’t really remember it but I know damn well that the only thing I wanted when I was bleeding out on that battlefield was you and your bed. And now she’s just, like, there, you know? Nothing’s fucking sacred anymore.”</p><p>That felt like a stab in the chest. Which, you know, Alex had more experience in that area as well. But it felt like the closest thing. He knew it felt over, he did, but knowing Alex wasn’t even trying to push him away this time was brutal. But he didn’t leave, didn’t argue. He deserved it.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Alex,” he said as genuine as he could. Because he was. Alex just shrugged.</p><p>“It’s whatever, honestly. I think it’s a good thing. I can’t fantasize about what could’ve been anymore,” Alex said, smiling but it was bitter. Michael didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing. “Can I ask you something though? Like, for real, and get a real answer. Because there’s something I don’t get.”</p><p>Michael cleared his throat. “Yeah, Alex, anything.”</p><p>“Why’d you do it?” he asked honestly, “I know how you felt after. Loved and shit which I get, you got fucked by the two people you wanted to be fucked by, but why’d you do it in the first place?”</p><p>“Uh,” Michael said, letting out an uncomfortable breath. It was hard to think back to that moment because it honestly felt like a blur. One minute he was freaking out because they were both hurt and then the next Alex was kissing him and Maria was promising him it was fine. It <em>was </em>good. Now he regretted it like nothing else in the world, but for a moment he felt like that’s what unconditional love must’ve felt like. But it was so short-lived he knew that wasn’t it. “I-I guess I don’t really know.”</p><p>“Because I keep thinking about it and I do know you, Guerin, and it doesn’t make sense to me why you’d be down for it. Like, I was your ex and you’d been saying you didn’t want me around for weeks, right? Like, what the fuck. I know why I stayed and went along with it, I didn’t wanna be by myself and I always want you when I feel like that, but you have a different approach to things,” Alex prodded, any sort of filter gone with away with the alcohol in his system. Michael shrugged.</p><p>“I think… I think that if I wanted to say no, I couldn’t,” Michael said, slightly wincing at his wording, “I mean, like, you both were looking to me for attention. If I’d said no in the moment, you both would’ve been mad at me.” Alex eyed him with skepticism. “I’m not saying I’m a victim or anything, I’m just saying no didn’t even cross my mind as something I was allowed to say.”</p><p>“So, when <em>I </em>said I should go,” Alex said, adding to the weight of Michael’s heart, “And you didn’t cut in when Maria told me to stay, that was because…”</p><p>“I don’t really remember,” he admitted, “But I think it’s probably because I didn’t actually want you to go. I mean, you’d just been stabbed. I wanted to watch you and make sure you were okay.”</p><p>“By making me kiss your girlfriend?”</p><p>“No!” Michael said perhaps a little too fast, “I-I didn’t like that. I don’t like that. That isn’t, like, some weird fantasy I have, you with someone else. Or anyone with anyone else. I don’t like that it’s all mixed up in my head, it feels…”</p><p>“Tainted.”</p><p>“Tainted,” Michael agreed. Alex nodded, still smiling that sad little smile.</p><p>“Yeah, but you still told me I was supposed to feel <em>loved,” </em>he said, that word holding so much venom that it sort of made him want to cry. He hated that he’d fucked up even that special little word</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Michael repeated, “That was a fucked up thing for me to say, but it was what I was feeling. I don’t feel it anymore and I shouldn’t have said that to you.”</p><p>“Yeah, I get it. High on getting two for the price of one,” Alex hummed. Michael frowned, but he didn’t argue. He deserved it. “Nah, that’s not fair. You were high on the attention of two people who cared about you when you were having emotions which is fair. I get it. I like attention too.”</p><p>“You deserve attention.”</p><p>“Maybe,” Alex sighed, “You still let me leave the next morning.”</p><p>“Alex, it’s not like I wanted you to go. I literally watched you until I couldn’t see you anymore, but I felt like we were at the point where asking anything of you was wrong. I was trying to respect what you wanted,” Michael sighed, “Probably even more so because I knew I fucked up the night before.”</p><p>“And because Maria made you feel good,” Alex added like it was common knowledge, “For so long, she expected so little of you, that you could do whatever to make her happy. That feels good. I get why you did it. Still hurts.”</p><p>“I am so sorry about everything.”</p><p>Alex shrugged, pursing his lips a little as he fiddled with the shot glass. He stuck his finger on the inside and swung it around in circles until it flew off the table. Michael caught it in his palm before it hit the ground, placing it back on the table.</p><p>“You know, sometimes I feel like Maria only did it to rub it in my face that she won.”</p><p>“No,” Michael said, shaking his head. He still felt a little sick when he thought about it, thought about her cruel admission to what had really been going through her head. “She was testing me, making sure I didn’t want you more than her.”</p><p>“I guess so, but earlier that day we’d talked about stuff and I’d told her about how bad I felt when I was with women. And then I defended you to her so she had to know I was still in love with you, she’s not dumb. I feel like she just used all that stuff I confided in her against me to get you. And she used it to force me into a situation where I <em>had </em>to see you together if I wanted my turn,” Alex said, grimacing slightly. Michael really, really felt like shit when he thought about that entire thing. How insensitive could he be? Maybe in the heat of the moment he could’ve justified it, but now? If he didn’t even like thinking about that one awkward kiss that <em>they </em>shared, he couldn’t begin to imagine how gross Alex felt.</p><p>“I really am sorry about that. I don’t know, I think that was, like, a good side effect to her. She did it because she wanted, like, me to choose her over you. But it really must’ve freaked her out with how much attention I did give you that night because it didn’t actually affirm shit and made her super paranoid every time I was around you.”</p><p>“Really? ‘Cause I didn’t feel like you gave me enough,” Alex admitted, laughing slightly, “Granted I did only want you. My options were limited so I took what I could get, but I just wanted you.”</p><p>“I think… I think I’m not built for stuff like that. Like I have no desire to do that again and I’m not exactly sure I wanted to before? I don’t know, it’s weird. Like… I still don’t get it sometimes. Never in my life have ever wanted anything more than just you. Not you and someone else, <em>just</em> you. I know that I did have to remind myself a lot to focus on her every time she, like, pulled me her way because she was my girlfriend, but I know myself and I know that, had she not pulled me away and had I not felt that guilt of her being right there, I would’ve been all over you. I’m not good at sharing myself, I don’t think, because it’s not even rewarding if I don’t get to just put all my efforts into making one person feel good. Honestly, the fact I was able to not just solely focus on you in the first place is–”</p><p>“Alright, dial it back, Guerin, too much, too much, too drunk,” Alex said, holding up a hand to silence him. Michael nodded.</p><p>“Sorry,” he said again, “I just… I really don’t get why I couldn’t just say no.”</p><p>“Manipulation’s one hell of a drug.”</p><p>“But was I even manipulated though? Like, genuinely, I know she said she did it to test me, but, like… It didn’t take much coercion. Sure, I was confused, but once I was there, I didn’t try to stop.”</p><p>“In your defense, you had just been hit over the head with an axe,” Alex pointed out, his smile a little less cold than before. Michael felt undeserving.</p><p>“Why are you defending me? I’m an asshole,” Michael asked. Alex took a deep breath and shrugged.</p><p>“Because I am very, very stupid.”</p><p>“You are the smartest person I know,” Michael countered. Alex scrunched up his nose like he didn’t buy it.</p><p>“Did you know when you start falling in love with someone, your frontal lobe or cortex or whatever just kinda shuts the fuck off? Like, it just decides to shut down because the other parts of your brain are too aware that if you were able to use logic, you’d avoid that person that makes you feel good,” Alex explained, nodding like he was agreeing with himself, “I think that’s why I keep making dumb mistakes around you.”</p><p>Michael huffed a laugh. “You’ve walked away from me too many times to blame that.” Perhaps that was the wrong thing to say, but Alex smiled anyway.</p><p>“Okay, but that wasn’t logic either. It was hormones and trauma fighting with each other. I am literally the embodiment of daddy issues,” Alex said, a drunken giggle combining with his admission. It slowly faded and left him smiling down at the table. “One more question and I swear I never want to talk about that night again.”</p><p>“Fair enough, shoot,” Michael agreed. As uncomfortable as he felt, this was oddly the most honest they’d been with each other probably ever. On some level, it felt good. Even if Alex was shitfaced.</p><p>“If you could change how that all happened,” Alex asked, hesitantly looking up at him through his eyelashes, “Would you?”</p><p>“God, Alex, you know I would,” he breathed, shaking his head, “You know I would.”</p><p>“How?”</p><p>“Well, first of all, I would’ve come and found you first because you were fucking bleeding. Like, I still regret going to get my gun first. You could’ve bled out,” Michael scoffed, shaking his head, “But more importantly I would’ve said no. I wouldn’t have kissed her in front of you and I wouldn’t have put you through that. I know… I know it was Maria’s idea, but I still feel guilty that I didn’t say something. I mean, she didn’t even <em>ask </em>if I was interested in something like that, I have never had that conversation with anyone. Do you know how much talking should go into something like that so things don’t get confusing? Like, I know she thought it was going to force me to choose her, but all it did was scare her more because no one fucking talked about anything to make sure everything that happened was okay.”</p><p>Alex smiled at him, big and bright and something that really felt out of place in the midst of their conversation. “Look at you. Being all adult and wanting communication.”</p><p>“I get why it’s important now. I guess I had to cross a line to realize that,” Michael sighed. </p><p>“Still. Shows growth, I guess,” he said, taking a deep breath. Michael shrugged. It didn’t feel like he took any steps in the right direction. “If I could change it, I would’ve wanted us be alone so I could’ve held you all night by myself.”</p><p>“Held <em>me?” </em>Michael scoffed, “Alex, you were the one who was hurt.”</p><p>He scrunched up his nose and gave him a sad little look. “You had a bump on the back of your head from where you were hit. I kept waking up on, like, 15 minute intervals to make sure you were still breathing and that it hadn’t gone all mushy.”</p><p>Michael’s heart genuinely ached and his whole body nearly doubled over at that information. Because of course Alex would do that. It was Alex, after all.</p><p>“I don’t deserve you,” he breathed. Alex smiled and leaned back in his chair.</p><p>“Well, you’re in luck, because the idea of being with you again kinda makes me wanna puke, so,” Alex said freely. Michael smiled sadly and nodded.</p><p>They were quite for a few minutes longer, but eventually Michael offered to drive him home and he agreed. He paid his bill and then stood up, but the alcohol seemed to hit him harder as soon as he did. That meant Michael had to move in a bit closer which clearly wasn’t what Alex wanted right then, but he couldn’t walk on his own, so he accepted the help.</p><p>When they got to his truck, Michael used his telekinesis to assist in a smoother transition and then they were headed home. Not home. Alex’s house.</p><p>“Alex,” Michael said after a long stretch of silence, “Can I ask you something?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Alex said back, voice soft with fatigue as he laid against the window with his eyes closed. Michael always loved that small little sign of trust that was there even now. </p><p>“Me and you…” Michael started, “Is there no coming back at all? Like, was that the last straw?”</p><p>Alex was silent for awhile, so long that Michael was beginning to think he’d fallen asleep. However, as the truck rolled to a stop outside his house, Alex gave his answer.</p><p>“You know how it took us working together for you to see me as more than just all pain that was wrapped up?” Alex asked, voice still soft and sweet.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“I think I need that,” he said, “I need to make up for all the gross stuff tied to you in my head. I don’t know if that’s even possible, honestly, but that’s what I need for there ever to be a chance of that.”</p><p>“Okay,” Michael breathed, a little weight being lifted off his chest, “Okay, I can work with that.”</p><p>“Glad you can, now I need to go to sleep.”</p><p>With no other eyes around to witness, Michael used solely his telekinesis to help Alex. He wasn’t about to touch him more than he was comfortable with and he’d retired pushing his boundaries for the foreseeable future. He got him to bed, got his prosthetic off, and put a bottle of Gatorade and Ibuprofen on his nightstand for him to drink so he didn’t have to move for them when he woke up.</p><p>“Goodnight, Alex,” he told him. </p><p>“Night,” Alex murmured right back.</p><p>Michael left feeling a little bit better than he had the day before.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>also on my tumblr: spaceskam</p></blockquote></div></div>
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